By Sarah Jones at Introverted Alpha
I was having a burger with my brother the other day, and he was telling me about a men’s group he’s in and how when asked, “What does it mean to be a man?” no one knew the answer.
“No one knows what ‘being a man’ means,” he said, frustrated.
By this point, I had forgotten about the burger in my hands and was focused precisely on this conundrum.
“We have to solve this!”
“You are solving it, Sarah! That’s what your business is about.”
This is a big issue, am I right?
As a man in your day-to-day life, doesn’t it sometimes feel like your manhood is questioned, either from the outside or within yourself or both?
It’s no wonder, because popular culture doesn’t seem to know what “being a man” means.
There are two pervasive schools of thought on what it means to be a man and they are both WAY out of whack:
THE “GOOD MAN” AKA “NICE GUY”
Perhaps you’ve read Dr. Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”
In that book, he talks about how tempting it is to “play nice” and appease everyone, instead of actually directing your course along what is true for you.
- saying “yes” to taking on a project you don’t want
- listening to your friend complain about a totally changeable situation for the 1,000th time even though you’re exhausted
- saying “yes” to staying friends with a woman who doesn’t see you romantically, but who you feel intensely attracted to
On the surface, all these things might seem nice.
Right? They are nice, right?
The only reason you’d say yes to something you don’t actually want is either…
(a) you haven’t done the internal soul-searching to determine what you want, or
(b) you know what you want, but you don’t say it for fear of the other person’s response.
Either way is not being a “good man” — it’s not being much of a man at all.
It’s being more like a boy.
There is nothing wrong with boys; boys are great.
But being a boy in a grown man’s body is not anyone’s best look.
Onto the alternative…
THE “REAL MAN” AKA “ASSHOLE”
If you’ve been popping pickup advice like it’s candy, then you have been at the receiving end of, “Just do it, man! Come on, who cares how it affects her?! You’ve got to get your needs met!”
Oh my god, as painful as it is for you to read that, it was much more painful for me to write.
Not good at all.
REALLY GLAD we actually give a shit about people over here at IA: men and women alike.
The problem with the, “Just do it at everyone’s expense!” advice is not just that it’s incredibly disrespectful to women; it’s also disrespectful to men.
Why should you have to talk to a woman you’re not even into? Why should you have to be overly macho when you’d rather rock a quiet confidence?
The answer is you don’t have to.
The “real man” as it’s currently considered in popular culture is sorely misguided, and quality women WHO RESPECT THEMSELVES don’t even like it.
You can tell me all day long that x or y amazing woman is into men who treat her poorly.
And I’ll tell YOU that clearly she’s not the woman you think she is.
Yes, she’s kind and beautiful and, and, and… but she is NOT self-respecting or else she wouldn’t be with that guy.
And a woman who is not self-respecting will NOT be the kind of partner you’re wanting, I’m telling you. She won’t be.
So thank goodness, there is a third alternative, which actually DOES attract quality, self-respecting women:
THE “BENEVOLENT BADASS” AKA SINCERELY CONFIDENT MAN
The Benevolent Badass is awesome because he is BOTH a true Good Man AND a Real Man at once.
This is because the Benevolent Badass is two things:
BENEVOLENT (“bene” means “good” and “voleo” means “power” >> “using his power for good,” making him a genuinely Good Man)
BADASS (this means going after what he wants in life, making him an undeniably Real Man)
Can you see a glimpse of how these two traits work together in a man?
Good Man and Real Man combined into one Benevolent Badass?
Oh yes, very exciting stuff.
I have a LOT more to say on this and how to accomplish this.
A lot more…
Up next tomorrow, I’ll share the four masculine traits of a Benevolent Badass.
These traits are critical to earning your own respect (not forced respect which never works, but DEEP real respect), and the respect of women and men in your life.
It goes without saying this is a very important discussion regardless of where you are in life.
This isn’t about getting great dates (what if you already have lots of great dates?) or building an amazing relationship (what if you’re not looking for a relationship right now?).
It’s about building real CONFIDENCE, something every man under the son longs for and looks damn good in.
That’s what we’ll be exploring every day over the next several days together!